(unso) List O Said Advice

I've received countless nuggets of wisdom/advice since embarking upon the journey to parenthood. So I decided to compile a list of my favorites.

In order of likelihood to cause deathly harm, from least to most likely (just kidding: no particular order), they are as follows:

• Babies can smell fear. 

• The first month or two are all about survival. Do what you have to do. This includes swaddling, holding, pacifying and crying. 

• "Share" the baby. Sometimes you just need a grown-up moment.

• You may have to sacrifice your personal hygiene and household cleanliness for rest. It's worth it; sleep when the baby sleeps.

• If your baby cries, try crying louder. It throws them off their game. 

• When you can, set aside some mommy and daddy time—like date night. You're gonna need that, too.

• Don't worry about losing baby weight on the way home from the hospital. It took 9 months to put it there; give it at least that long to come off. 

• Do your kegels.  (This one came from my mom. On my wall. On Facebook [defeatedly shaking head...]).

• Your breasts are no longer your property. They belong to the baby. And you might as well forget about that modesty thing while you have a minute, 'cause you're gonna be whipping those puppies out regardless of bystander preference or relation.

• You can read all the parenting books and magazines you want, prepare like you're studying for the SATs of child-rearing, and vow "I'll never let my child do that" till you're hoarse, but you just won't know till you're there. It's best to just be flexible and expect the unexpected. You're learning as you go, too.

• Never thrust a child on an unwilling participant (i.e. don't force people to hold your baby). If they want to do so, you'll know. And if not, the picture won't be pretty.

• Yes, you will be peed on. Get over it.

• You'll be puked and pooed on, too. Try not to puke back. 

• One size does not fit all. Don't cut the tags off until you're sure the clothes fit (save for a few coming-home outfits in the beginning; your baby probably doesn't want to be naked all the time ... yet). 

• Love your baby! The times when you are most upset at them will be when they need love the most. This is easier said than done.

• The world is a scary place already; have a baby and the threat level skyrockets to Defcon 5. BPA-leaden bottles, stifling crib bumpers, unplugged outlets and unsanitized hands will become the villains of your nightmares. You can't protect your baby from everything, so try not indulge your desire for that plastic baby bubble. Just do your best.

• No, b-feeding is not a form of birth control. If someone tries to convince you otherwise, it's a trick.  ;)

• Read up now, scholar mommy. 'Cause books are a luxury you can't afford in the early days of parenthood. You might want to watch those TV shows, go to the movies, head out to eat and overdose on your favorite meals, too.

• And oh yeah, you'll never eat hot food again. So maybe try to memorize what that's like now.

• People have been having babies for years. Most likely, there are people much less qualified than you doing it right now. You'll be fine.

• If someone asks for the name of your child and then responds with "hm, is that a family name?" or, "where did you get that?" they don't like it. Back away slowly and stifle ninja kick reflex.

• Screen the pictures your family posts for public consumption. (I'm adding this little gem post-pregnancy. It was touch-and-go for a couple hours there when I discovered an obscene image on Mimi Sally's Facebook. Just when you think there are no naked pictures of you on the web…)

• When you leave the hospital and have the "are they seriously letting us take this thing home without instructions?" thought, don't panic. Babies are less fragile and more resilient than you think. 

• No matter what, don't shake your baby. Clearly, this is a major issue, because they cannot warn you enough about it in babyclass.

• Listen to everyone's advice, nod politely, and then do whatever you want. Because nobody knows how to raise your child better than you. Yeah, I pretty much just told you to disregard everything above. But don't take my word for it..

 

(Excerpts from Safe Baby Handling Tips)

*Though I just dropped some sweet knowledge there, I feel the need to disclaim that I am not a babyologist, nor did I get my degree in child developmental… stuff. Feel free to use the above as loose guidelines, but if any of them cause irrevocable damage, I'm not afraid to plead stupid.

And if you have any further gems of wisdom, please add a comment and expound on this list. I know there are some pointers I've forgotten. Perhaps I'll do another version after I've been a parent for a while.  :)