Stream of Unconsciousness

Current food aversions:

• Raw or partially-cooked red meat. Ugh. Normally smells really good to me, but with my go-go-gadget-supernose, it is like tasting rotting flesh. I can't deal.
• Garlic. And ginger. Again, I think it's simply too strong.
• Maple pecan syrup. Just... ugh. Come to think of it, though, I don't particularly care for any type of flavored syrup even when I'm not pregnant. So maybe we just chalk that one up to being syrup-ist.

Current cravings:

• Chick-Fil-A waffle fries with Polynesian sauce (like a fiend).
• Randomly, olives. 1 & 1/2 jars currently in the refrigerator and I only bought them last week.
• Grapefruit: 1/day (that's two halves, peeps). At least I'm getting my vitamin C.
• And orange soda - but I think this is a reaction to my cutting back on soda and then feeling the need to binge. Hm I really should check into the likelihood of od'ing on sugar. Or salt.

Still have no ideas, feelings, dreams, thoughts, compulsions or hallucinations as to what sex mini Stevenson will be. Though everyone around me seems to be strongly convinced it's a girl. I'll let you know in a month and a half or so (which, btw, seems like forever!) whether you should go on Oprah with that 6th baby sense.  ;)  


Am HATING the fact that you cannot take certain medicines while knocked up. Who came up with this? Probably the same people who decided you couldn't drink. My trusty Excedrine Migraine was ceremoniously expelled from its semi-permanent residence in my purse when I realized it was baby-poison (you know, because it's baby-poison. But mostly cause I was PO'ed and trying to stick it to the man (reference aforementioned rage and cussing entry for details)).


Bought my first preg-related item aside from the 12 books we've purchased or received on the subject (those don't count because they're educational). It's a "bella-band." This strange but useful contraption is basically a stretchy tube that goes over the top of your pants, and can thus hide the fact that you felt the need to unbutton them because that top button is just a little too snug for comfort. Works pretty well, except when I have to pee. Which is a lot these days due to the excessive amount of water I am drinking like it's my job. Since I've been forced to become a waterholic, I am also constantly bloated (any kind of bloated = not good). These bella-bands may stick around post-pregnancy.


And speaking of jeans, I've recently come to the conclusion that none of my pants are remotely loose or suitable for pregwear. Even jury-rigged with the elastic and/or bella-band. Ok yes I knew this before, but I have now come to regard them as torture devices and am facing the fact that there is no way I'll be wearing any of them when I pop. Sweatpants and skirts, bless ye for your flexible nature. It's really too bad sweatpants are not appropriate work attire.


Took the leap the other day and posted a sorta-announcement on Facebook (i.e. changed my status to "Mckenzie is happy my baby-daddy is home"). This is a big step cause everyone knows that once it's out on Facebook, it's real. Responses were funny. And varied. And I still don't think everybody got it. But I am totally stealing the reference to our baby as "the little ninja."

It's all fun & games, 'till someone pees their pants.

The best part, by far (and so far, since it's radio silence from within at this point) has been telling people who have no idea and watching their reactions. Totally awesome. And we must be good with the surprises because as far as I know, we caught everyone off-guard.

My goal was to make someone pee their pants (just kidding I would never want that). But it did kind of feel like covert ops coming up with some stealthy way to slip it into a conversation or a "mock-fight" that would end with the big reveal. Of course, Jon was busting at the seams to tell someone, so we didn't quite make it to the end of the first trimester with the parents (or Heidi. or Nick).

Heidi literally fell to the floor; Nick actually did a happy dance; Loryn got sick and left (just kidding Loryn I know that was not due to the announcement); my dad broke down in the middle of a restaurant (I felt really bad about that one actually, but it was sweet to see how touched and excited he was); my mom just repeated "oh my gosh!" - sounding strangely reminiscent of me after Jon's proposal; Jon's mom hugged me and forgot to hug him; and my brother shook my hand. Those are just the highlights. They may not be overjoyed with me for doing so, but I'm going to post the ones we recorded below. I am so glad we have these!

How we broke it down. 

My dad: Finally shocked with a little help from the help at Tex & Shirley's. 

Apparently, "Grandpa T" had been waiting for this news for about 2 years. He'd actually gotten a card and kept it in his car for the day we might hit him with it because, in his mind, anytime we invited him over for dinner or to hang out, we were about to make "the big announcement." But when Hannahbelle arrived in November, he figured there was no way we'd want to expand the family further after just adopting our furry new baby. So we invited he and my grandmother out to breakfast and when it came time to go, Jon took the waitress aside and asked her to play along. She dropped off the check in front of my dad and said "I was told to give this to the new grandfather, since these kids are gonna need to save their money." And my dad picks up the tab totally nonchalantly and is like ok sure I got it. Of course Jon and I are staring at him like 'dad - come on - that wasn't obvious?' So the waitress, trying to be helpful, repeats her "line" again and my dad responds "Oh they don't have kids yet."  At that point, I had to step in. So I said "Seriously dad - we're trying to tell you something here." He was so stunned, I think there was a bit of an emotional overload and the tears started flowing. My poor dad. Probably not the smartest place for us to have done that. I think we could've used a little privacy. But they were tears of joy, so the mission was a success. After 2 years, however, he did have a little trouble locating that card. 

My mom: Opening "the Christmas present we forgot to give her on Christmas" 

[actually a record book from grandma to baby]

Jon's parents: We used the "forgotten present" trick on them, too.
 

Jenna: Slipped it into the conversation (twice) until she noticed. 

We wanted to tell the siblings asap after the parents, but logistics didn't quite work out. So when we ended up at Ham's for a family dinner, Jon nudged me and said "Let's tell Jenna now!" Our first casual mention went unnoticed, so we tried again when Jon pushed his broccoli in my direction and firmly stated "You need this. Eat it." Recognizing the setup, I went with "Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I have to eat everything green in the neighboring vicinity." But Jenna completely blew it off and was like whatever you're not pregnant. And since Jon had recently tried to deflect on numerous occasions by asserting that Jenna was just as likely to be with child as the two of us (evil brother), we had to lay it out there in more blatant terms before she actually believed it. Of course, when it registered that we were for real, she squealed just as we'd hoped.

Bronson: Totally unphased, even after the pictures. 

I had borrowed a CD from B some time ago, and I think it was Jon's idea to put the first ultrasound pics inside and give it back to him one morning at breakfast. We tried to act normal and wait out a good part of the meal because someone we knew was at a neighboring table and we weren't quite ready to take the news public, but after we ate, I slid the CD case back to Brons; sure that he would open it and inspect the contents. True to form, he cracked the cover as soon as it was in hand and we paused for a response. Before I could even say "Do you know what those pictures are?" he goes "You're pregnant?" - and honestly I think it was more of a statement than a question. He said it so calmly! Then he reached across the table to shake my hand in congratulations. Classic.

Heidi: Blindsided by a "random" discussion/argument wherein Jon tried to assert that he was the better gift giver (ever-loyal Heidi unfailingly backed me up). 

We went back and forth with the "I got you this; I got you that" until Jon cut to the chase with "Oh yeah well what did I get you this year?" which was my prompt to respond "Pregnant." It took her a second (there may or may not have been alcohol inolved), but then she screamed "WHAT???" and had to grip the countertop to keep from falling to the floor too hard (so great was the shock). No suspicions whatsoever. It was magnificent. Though in hindsight it may have been better (at least for Heidi's health) to let the toastiness wear off before dropping that little bomb.

Nick: Caught off-guard in a Guitar Hero battle. 

Unfortunately Jon's newfound skills were no match for the seasoned veteran, and Nick was in the midst of a beatdown when Jon tried to even the playing field by throwing out "Hey, dude... Mckenzie's pregnant." Sadly, this did not stop the battle, but Nick kept glancing back and forth trying to determine if that was just a distraction tactic or if we were actually trying to tell him something. I refused to confirm until after the slaughter. But we definitely should have broken out the camera for that one because Nick's happy-dance-with-tiny-videogame-guitar was priceless.

The friends: Surprise by spaghetti. 

Just before the 3-month milestone, we managed to get a large group of friends to our house under the guise of dinner and hangage (I mean we actually did have dinner and hang, but there were ulterior motives). Though nothing like that can ever go perfectly and we were missing a few key peeps, we figured it was the most we could get together at one time. Jenna and Nick came early to help set up while I nervously waited for the big moment and gagged at the hideous stench of the meat/garlic mixture on the stove. When we were finally ready to eat, we gathered together in the living room for a quick prayer. Jon led us with the usual "Thank you for bringing us together and for the food we are about to eat. Bless those less fortunate" and then added "And please watch over the tiny baby in Mckenzie's belly for the next 6 months and beyond..." I believe he continued for another 15 seconds, so I can only imagine the peeks coming our direction before he was done. And when the prayer was finished, I felt about 12 sets of eyes staring expectantly, so I affirmed the news with "Yes, I'm pregnant!" I really wish I'd had a picture of that moment and been able to see everyone's reactions at once, but the two faces I noticed were Jennifer and Loryn. The mixture of shock and excitement was awesomeriffic.

Tenacious B and the Stick of Destiny

{pregumentary: week 1}


*Disclaimer: The following is a (pretty personal) account of my initial thoughts and actions when I learned I was preggers. And it's not the condensed version. If you're reading it, you're probably family or a friend, and you know all our most intimate secrets anyway. But if not, please keep in mind that it will probably seem like TMI and wasn't necessarily meant for public consumption. So ... I guess, read at your own risk?


--


It's surreal and strange (slash amazing and incredible) how things work themselves out. Not necessarily the way you plan, but with a definite plan behind it all (I'm glad God has everything figured out for me, because apparently I haven't the slightest).


When just a couple weeks ago I sat down with Jon and told him I thought I finally felt "ready" (or as ready as I could be) to maybe add a little "plus one" to our fam, I had only the tiniest inkling (and even then, not really) that things could already be set in motion.


A month or so ago, when I changed into my pajamas and winced at the serious soreness in my chestal region, the possibility flashed by. But it was gone literally as quickly as it came, and I continued along as if nothing were different. Still, the sneaking suspicion was there - even if it was just a subconscious feeling. But then I couldn't exactly ignore it. Especially when I began to suspect that I'd missed at least one dot. I say at least one because, since weaning from the meds in June (yes, June. I'll explain that later..), I'd gone back to my irregular, haphazard, completely unpredictable self and I wasn't really sure exactly when that time was coming and with what frequency (Crap! I'm a bad mommy already!). Here's hoping they'll be able to set me straight when I visit the doctor for total confirmation and reassurance that I am not completely insane. 


I do wonder, though. Whether already being pregnant was what made up my mind that I was down with the babies, or if I decided that and then it happened. Doesn't that just blow your mind-hole? (Kidding).


The thing is, we were fairly ... careful ... up until the day that I spoke with Jon. And that day we simply decided that, instead of trying, we would just "not not try" (anybody who's seen Marley & Me will understand that I was completely freaked out after deciding against my better judgment to see that movie and hearing her say the same words, then watching in horror as they went to confirm the ensuing pregnancy and couldn't find a heartbeat). We didn't want to put any undue pressure on things, because honestly, who knew how long it would take? And if it didn't happen right away (or didn't happen at all), we would have been too disappointed to keep telling people "sometime soon." Or having them know we were in babymaking mode and be expecting it to happen anytime and then waiting and waiting while it didn't. Of course I truly didn't suspect it would happen on the first real non-try-try or that it had already begun to run its course.


I also definitely wanted Jon to be the first to know. I can just see me pulling a Rachel and taking a sip of wine, then spitting it out and unwittingly exposing the secret to everyone. Or someone noticing something unusual, pointing at me and going "you're pregnant!" Which, of course I wouldn't outright deny if I had an idea that I actually was because I feel like there's something inherently wrong with lying about such a huge thing like that and karma or God or something would probably smite me for doing so.


Anyway. So I had suspicions, but I waited. I tried to think back to when I first felt the chest pain and couldn't. I tried to remember when my last dot was and got nothing. Dangit! I had no idea when this might've happened (if it had happened), but I knew I should go ahead and test the hypothesis. So I hit up the local Kmart the Tuesday before christmas (where I could be fairly certain not to run into anyone in my immediate circle) and carefully hid the tests that I had spent way too many painstaking minutes deciding upon in a box of feminine products (ironic, no?). Also ironically, Tuesday was our girls night, at which we unfailingly discussed excruciatingly minute details of pregnancy and getting pregnant (me, the whole time in my head: holy crap, holy crap, holy crap). But, I made it to the 24th (the next day) and pretended be asleep when Jon went to work. And when I was sure he'd gone and not forgotten anything, it was time to unleash the stick.


Like I said, I'd spent far too much time just figuring out which brand and type of test to get (and I only got a couple because btw pregnancy tests are way expensive), so I went with the standard EPT for the first try. Hands shaking, I unwrapped the little white stick of destiny and somehow managed to uncap the purple end (how exactly I was supposed to "go" on this without getting it all over myself, I don't know). At this point, I prayed that God grant me strength no matter what the outcome. I was strangely hopeful, and a little worried at what I might feel if it were a no. Again, I have no idea where this sudden desire for a little one came from, but at that moment, it was present in full force. After gathering my wits and trying to aim correctly while my heart pounded out of my chest, I accomplished the goal, laid down the test and subsequently freaked out for not having read the directions to figure out what came next and what meant what on the reading. As I walked away for the longest two minutes ever, I caught a glimpse of the lines forming and tried not to react to what I was pretty sure was already there.


After I weathered those two whole minutes (with Bo and Hannabelle's help), I approached cautiously.
A plus? Was that really a plus? Wait, did that mean yes or no? As scatterbrained as I was, I had to check and re-check the instructions at least five times to be absolutely sure that what it was telling me was yes. But there it was, clear and blue. I think I screeched. And, to my utter surprise, there was no sudden queasiness or fear. I wasn't scared or overwhelmed; I just felt strangely happy. And grateful. And pretty freaking excited. Of course I had and still have the normal worries after that initial euphoria: Will it work out? Will the baby be healthy if it works out? How do I tell everybody and when?!? Do I have to stop drinking sweet tea? Oh crap I need to get a new doctor. And they are going to be seeing a lot of my Britney. Dangit why didn't Jon let me get that laser hair removal? (probably for the best, since babies cost a whole lot of money). Dude, babies cost a whole lot of money.


My course of action after that was to eat a healthy(ish) breakfast, do a double confirmation with the digital test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant," and figure out how exactly to bust it on Jon (yesssss the fun part).


When the second one said yes, I kind of believed it. I mean it all still seemed so unreal and strange, but I was pretty sure those things didn't often give false positives. I decided to use a little framed picture my mom had given me about a year ago that said "Anybody can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy" to break the news. She'd apparently made it for my dad years and years ago. I guess I'd been saving it for something like this, so I wrote a little dedication on the back ("In case you didn't figure it out from that, WE'RE PREGNANT") and taped the digital test there for emphasis. I wrapped the back, knowing full well that though Jon would read the words on the front, it would probably still not compute, and I'd have to tell him to turn it over. As you can see below, that totally happened.


Christmas day was a blur. I couldn't sleep; too excited and nervous about the best present ever that awaited Jon in the toe of his stocking. It was the first present I'd wrapped, so knowing and keeping it in even this long was a major feat. Plus, we'd gone to bed late, so I figured Jon wouldn't wake up until at least 9. Thankfully, his Christmas jitters got the best of him, too, and we were both up at 7:15.


When we finally got to the "special present," it was even more glorious than I had imagined. I think it's better to show you than to tell you because I won't do it justice.


Though i wish we'd had a video camera to record it, this will have to do:

(sorry it's so dark!)

And of course, shortly after this huge, life-altering revelation, Jon's family was heading over to do their Christmas with us. After he figured it out, we'd decided that it was probably best to wait until we were past the initial danger zone to tell anyone (including our parents - though we were painfully aware that this would be extremely difficult). So obviously, Jon barely had a minute to let it sink in and we were rushing around frantically hiding the "evidence," which included yet another test because Jon thought it would be awesome to get me some and put them in my stocking (since we were not not trying). Jon apologizes to his family for seeming distant or in any way rude on Christmas day.


One brunch at my mom's, a "game of things," an ill-chosen movie, a lasagna tradition and several rounds of Dance Dance Revolution later, Christmas was over and we were alone again to bask in (i.e. scare ourselves about) the news.


When I thought back on it, I started realizing that all the hints I hadn't known were hints had been present in my body for a while. You can't imagine how frustrating it is, though, not to be able to think back far enough to know when they started! I'd been exhausted (unnaturally so) on and off, had some back pain and felt constantly bloated. I guess it's not something I could describe, but there was definitely a little voice in the back of my head reminding me of the possibility even before I really had an idea. I had just ignored it.


Then I thought about all the things I'd done wrong in the past... oh... month and a half or so (my best guess as to how far along I was) and began to panic. Since most of the people who will be reading this are in our group, you know that I like to learn by observation, and I'd been trying to take everything in from the few people I know who've been pregnant. I remembered thinking when Jaclyn and Chad revealed their big news that waiting until after the first trimester when much of the danger was past and the doctor could do an ultrasound sounded like a really smart thing. But nobody tells you how hard it is to wait. Then I started to recall the (relatively few but still disconcerting) alcoholic beverages I'd partaken of. And that time when I had what I thought were cramps, so I used a heating pad for like a day straight. Both big no-no's on the pregnancy front from what I understand. And then there's my family history and the knowledge that my parents didn't have an easy time with their first conception, which did not carry through to completion. I am so, so afraid of that happening.


So I'll try to wait. And when I choose to tell you and get excited and give you the address of this blog, just know that we didn't keep it from you for any reason other than the fact that were were sincerely scared, and we really wanted it to have the best chance of being true.


It's the biggest blessing and gift I've ever been given, and I'm still not sure how to handle it. So you'll have to bear with me as we start this crazy ride, because I've never done it before. So I'll learn as I go, and I'll try to post a few recaps of what's been happening with me and us and to keep a record of what life was like before and with baby. And I promise, they won't all be as long as this one.  ;)


Love,
M.